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SKY

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

The Organic Chemistry Final -- Supposedly a true story

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

Two Tickets To The Theatre

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"

CIA Test

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Jogging

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied,
"Abolish the IRS and start over."

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied,
"Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied,
"Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Clerk

A guy wants to buy 1/2 a head of lettuce, so he goes to the market and asks the clerk if he can purchase 1/2 a head of lettuce. The clerk says "I don't think so!" So the man says "Let me talk to the manager." The clerk says, "The manager is in the back." The clerk then proceeds to go to the back of the store to find the manager. The clerk finds the manager and says, " There is some #%@ idiot up front who wants to buy 1/2 a head of lettuce!" The clerk suddenly realizes through his peripheral view that he was followed by the client, so the clerk adds, "and this nice gentleman would like to purchase the other half."

A PART FROM THE BIBLE!!

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and
approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says
we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the
first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and
knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point
here!"

YODEL

There were two brothers who were national yodeling
champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of
nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would
have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house.

The two brothers had a way of communicating over several
miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-
o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.

Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with
his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before
dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the
brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start
counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5
he would shoot him.

Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping
over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to
warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly
shot him.

The other brother came running out of his room and said,
"What happened?"

The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my
daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was
out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.

AWARD

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem,
Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congrat-
ulations. What do you think you're going to do with the
money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get
that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh,
don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk
and stoned."

Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and
Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Where is my Dad?

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate
Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided
tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an
intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and
asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the
task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of
seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing
off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a
trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was
sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate
Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question
might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my
mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic
brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred
to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing
off Florida."

LANGUAGE

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a
whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the
local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track
and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only
pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick
someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the
man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the
man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood
up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man
held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup
and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand
a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in
the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving
announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the
man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand
and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up
too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A
few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody
else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door
shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the
missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the
preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't
speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father
please stand up."

GAME

The teacher says: "Class, we are going to play a little game today! I'm going to see whether you can guess what's in my desk from the clues I give you. So here are the clues... it's 12 inches long, it's hard, and it has numbers on it." Little tommy sits there for a moment, then raises his hand.
"Yes Tommy? Do you think you know what it is?"
Tommy says: "it's a ruler!"
The teacher replies: "No Tommy, it's not a ruler. It's a math book! But at least you're thinking!"
A few minutes go by and Tommy raises his hand. The teacher says: "Yes, tommy?"
Tommy says: "I have a riddle for you! I have something in my pants that is 6 inches long, is hard, and has nuts."
The teacher, furious, replies: "Tommy! We're not going to play that kind of game!"
To which Tommy says: "Don't get upset, it's only a chocolate bar... but at least you're thinking!".